Little Fockers Focking Awful.

Hi, my name is Ben Stiller. I’m a wonderfully talented comedian, but I’m also so much more. I directed both “Reality Bites” and the tragically underrated “Tropic Thunder”. I like to play characters blinded by their ego, and have done so wonderfully in films like “Zoolander” and “Starsky and Hutch” and horrified a generation of fat kids in “Heavyweights”, and oh yeah, I’m stuck in the worst comedy of the year, “Little Fockers”.

It’s hard to hate me though, don’t you think? Look at all the talent I’ve surrounded myself with. Robert DeNiro, Barbra Streisand, Dustin Hoffman, Owen Wilson, my goodness, you could film those folks waiting for a bus and be pretty darn entertained! Isn’t that right Tom Cruise?

The movie’s directed by this guy Chris Weitz, who’s actually pretty darn talented. He and his brother, Paul Weitz, wrote and directed “American Pie”, which was possibly the best comedy of the 90’s, and struck such a balance between gross out humor and genuine heart, that those hilarious Apatow folks wouldn’t be around without it. Surely good ole Chris Weitz would be able to find that balance here considering our all-star cast. What? Paul’s the talented one? Stupid IMDB.

We have boner jokes. Yep! I even stick DeNiro in the wang with a needle! Please laugh. Oh! Owen Wilson makes out with Babs for a second! I mean, that’s *awesome* right? There’s Jessica Alba being all bubbly then suddenly being some sort of drug addicted sex-crazed psychopath. Helllllo shocking plot twist.

I mean, it’s not like “Meet The Fockers” was the greatest thing since Yentl soup (Pun!) or anything, but at least it had some great laugh out loud moments involving a foul mouthed baby, and my character’s foreskin getting lost in fondue! And DeNiro wearing a boob is worth the price of admission alone!

And we tried with this one. We really did. There’s a little bit of everything for you. There’s some vomiting, blood splatter, penis jokes, heck, we even dumped an entire truck full of sand on Robert DeNiro! Crazy! Sand! DeNiro! The guy from “The GodFather part II”! In case you forgot that, we remind you via musical cues, and in-jokes every 2-3 minutes.

Heck, the flick is even about how my character, Gaylord Focker (haha, Gay Focker), is selected to become the family’s “GodFocker” by DeNiro. Get it? Because it DeNiro was in “The Godfather (part 2)” and Focker sounds like…nevermind.

The “plot” centers on how everyone from the past 218 focking minutes of this franchise comes into town for my kids’ birthday party. That’s right, no awkward meeting or culture clash this time! Instead we replace it with family friendly gross out humor. Well, not really family friendly because of all the boners, anal probing and “Oh Shitting” going on. And not really humor because no one in the theater was laughing.

So, that said, I’m as baffled as you are at the waste of talent and celluloid that is “Little Fockers”. Get it? Cause Fockers kind of sounds kind of like…nevermind.